Thank you for your submissions for the 2017 InterAm Hash Trash!!!
Hash Name: Epic Fail
Home Kennel: Mosquito H3
Bullshit Hashtrash. Settle in.
Showed up, did some Okinawa stuff. About all I remember is singing with some songmeisters at Helton Brewing and stumbling over rocks in the dark.
Woke up Friday, make a stop at Total Wine..run into 69 hashers at least that I know. I asked the poor store guy for 4 loko and he ask which brewery makes it. Lost cause. Valero knows 4 loko! The clerk asked me if I was suicidal..nope..just a patch whore #69waystodieinthewest! (or anywhere).
Get to the hotel, watch the MOUUUSTON Herd trying to wrestle a floating cooler into the lazy river. They were forced to go sit in a pool. Terrible fate.
Wandered about to the patch whore meetup. Fun times! A bunch of us couldn’t figure out how to get in from the Kid Club or whatever the hell it was called. The poor lady must have thought we looked nice and let us through, but when someone ran up in pink hotpants and the “I’m so fucking horny!” shirt she made him go around. Not sure why. Ahem.
DRAFT PUNK meetup, so many beer lovers. It was routine yelling of “BLAH BLAH BLAH BEER” and something being thrown down.
Saturday morning rolled out of bed, stumbled off to a bus. There is pandemonium! I hear a resort staff member yell “IT’S LIKE HERDING A BUNCH OF DRUNK RUNNING CATS!!” My first thought was oh sweet summer child…It’s only Saturday and we have not yet begun to drink!
Shove enough beer and wine to kill a large moose on the bus. Does Arizona have mooses? I don’t know. Trail 5 Lynx Lake onnnn outtttt. End up with a couple members of mother hash. Being a total half mind forgot their names, but I remember thinking wow, those sound like nerd names. Bus song circle and patch whoring. Watch chalk talk and some harriette launches into the things she wanted to do to NairBare. I needed a cigarette after listening to it. We had to watch it again for her and pause at the good parts.
After 69 something minutes, run into Suze Whoreman and Just Ashley at the start. Homoglobin came(?) to co-hare. Honor to them, without their work, this trail wouldn’t have been nearly as awesome as it was! Real Chalk Talk. Harassed a virgin…Just Mike? His favorite airport is Bush? His favorite sexual farm animal was a bear, I think.
Did some hang-over running off and some making of older hashers not feel as old as they are by telling them how to zen to the BN. Had some really young hashers do trail, like could barely walk young. Youngest ever? Maybe some old fart can weigh in… F@ck Trophy and Another Spot of Cum got all the way to BN#1. Just past BN #1 made friends with a nice (trouser?!?) snake. I caught up to BN #2 just by following the sounds of drunken hashers. They pack takes off again. Everybody doesn’t fall or falls right. Whew!
Circle is short. No time for long windedness in this outfit (except when writing hash trash)! A family walks through the middle of circle during the “End of the Month.” We sing “Build us an Arky Arky.” I yelled after them “We are the Southern Baptist Trail Running Club.” I’m not sure they were convinced. The pack accused the hares about the lack of opportunity to get wet. Somehow they missed the GIANT FUCKING LAKE?? I don’t know. Swing Low happens.
Bus loading starts. It’s amazing how if you tell hashers to get on a bus, 50% go anywhere but the bus. Also, lots of hashers don’t know their own name. Sigh.
Hashers break the bus toilet! Rest Stop H3 is formed. Our intro song is Golden Showers and Swing Low is yelling “We’ll Whizz Right By You!” The driver, John, sang us a dirty Christmas song mid bus song circle.
Saturday night was bad decisions, which involved giving hashers bourbon and then matching how much they drank. Skits were awesome! Somehow I felt like I had seen all the Mr. Interam skits before??
Sunday more Lynx Lake! Lumber Jackoff did a great job as RA/hare. We ended up with bees on the bus. I yelled “Get these muthafukin’ bees off my muthafukin’ bus!” but alas I’m not Samuel L. Jackson, so they just stung us. Way to stick with the theme Phoenix.
Honor to the hashpitality suite people. I spent all Sunday night in you. I hope it was good for me as it was for you. The most fun I had was getting fucked over on Thunderstruck on the solo and watching I’ll Pack Her DJ this ridiculous dance party in the Lunar Suite. Thanks for taking your time and money to give us awesome places to hang out.
Monday…my only memory is Creamin’ getting the short end of the butt chug. Pretty girl..pretty girl..Beer Battered. I tried hard to miss my flight. Sang the crash and burn son of a bitch song. Slipped sex toys in random people’s luggage to create a security incident. Even took the remains of Dick in a Box and Jew Can’t Fuck Dust through security, to which Phoenix TSA just were “sorry for my loss.” Failed miserably at missing my flight:(
Flew out with Pyro H3 (Outside Cat, Twinkle Toes, Spin Cycle and Horsefli Drivebi) on flight #6069. We had a “sad to be leaving” beer.
On a serious note, thanks to Cali Creamin’, Donkey Dildo Delight and Whore’s Whisperer. You guys set the benchmark for how I’d envision a well-run hash event to be. Hot Pocket and Temple of Poon, thanks for being awesome trail leads. I heard so many good reviews about the trails all weekend. Lots of other people did lots of other things to make this happen. Probably much of it doesn’t get recognized, but know it matters just as much as the high visibility things.
Hash Name: Can you hear me now?
Home Kennel: Calgary H3
About a half an hour before the first beer stop (the bus) on trail 14 on Saturday, my wife and I did somewhat of a assistance / rescue. We came across two ladies on the trail who were not together but about 300 yards apart. One was nearing heat exhaustion. The other one likely would have made it with just the moral support and resting. The other was in serious difficulty. She had enough water but hydration was not the problem. It seemed like lack of energy/electrolytes or what have you. Lunches were left on the bus but luckily I took an apple and carried it with me and this apple was the nourishment necessary. It was funny because she asked what to do with the core. I made her eat the whole thing except for the stem. Funny again, when we finally finished the trail she came from the bus to me to pay me back the apple. Who’s going to lose time eating an apple when you’ve got all that beer!
Waste not want not; live another day.
Hash Name: Catcher in the Eye
Home Kennel: Vulcan H3
… lazy riverrun past puttputt and patchwhores from roundandaround to phoenix – squaw peaks scrub invaded by degenerated beerfiends and lover-soft-adultish things and thin-kink.
Spoiled by choice – beerfiends confessored by more-taps-than-one and fo-edible-ods cooked by sobers, sobers make no cent-emperatures up-not-downing and down-downs. Hops and loaves for the two thousand.
Less: fleabags, vomitpools, knifs, anddrama; more: new-fiends, happies, cum-educatio-ans. Buses to des-s-ert, street, wine-air-dry, blooze-n-brownz. All Don’t Die. More these not those, more us and no them.
Souls and lo-souls back and co-stume-ntest. New Jers-lucci passed over for the floating prison out of … to … and … the wat[
A chaos void, controlled cowbells dickt-not-ators keep the two thousand fie-nd-fed and fat and s-ASS-y.
Even-staff-t please-come back-d on’t die.]er
on in, on out, on after, on on, along the …
Hash Name: Groin Rule Double
Home Kennel: Larryville H3
So there we were (balls deep), Larryville’s first Interam, getting our cherry popped. Friday’s kick off began with getting acquainted with the resort and getting lost many times but eventually got our bearings. We found the margarita room as we hear from a 4th floor a shout “Larryville!”. We got ourselves our fill of margaritas and onto River ranch we went. The lines at the pool bar were getting quite long when the Larry senses kicked in and found the oasis we needed by the restaurant bar, no line. Slowly more people caught on but we manage to tip our bartender well as the drinks kept coming. This primed us up for a couple laps on the lazy river and ready to booze cruise through the rest of the evening. After dinner the mayhem begins and we raid the hashpitality rooms and as we tried to stay together as a pack we all got split up and created the Larryville madness in separate spots the rest of the night. So if you thought Larryville was everywhere Friday night… I mean you are probably right. Don’t ever forget that Stooly, the Friday night Malort fairy, probably got quite a bit of you. Stooly sucks! As per the rest of Larryville that night… shame! Bunch of patch whores!
Saturday the madness ensues, not. If Saturday was your favorite day of Interam that makes complete sense. It was Larryville’s take day pretty easy and recover as a few hashers were away from the resort, some slept in and if I am correct there were zero Larry’s on a trail all of Saturday. You’re welcome? Sometime early in the day, 4pm rolls around and a few manage to make it to the lazy river to continue this “easy” day. At some point Larryville mustered up some energy for a sidewalk show so those people that witnessed that live congrats. The wall twerk dance battle happened and it was EPIC. Larryville harriettes were inverted on a wall twerking as a crowd slowly gathered. Larryville was finally showing signs of life again at 11pm. Dance party H3 was in full swing as 20-30 people wandered the halls of the resort dropping flash mob style dance parties into rooms that had any signs of playing music in the room and an open door. The flash mob then moved to the hashpitality suites where Larryville tends to walk into rooms with the attitude “O’Doyle rules!” But really, Larryville sucks. Don’t ever travel hash there, you’ll probably end up on the Old Gregg trail and everyone is covered in green paint, glitter, and tutus. (shameless plug over)
Sunday was a tale of wonders, two of the three Larryville hashers laying the MINK trail woke up in Douglas, AZ that morning only a few hundred miles away from the resort and had to be at the bus by 10am. Somehow they managed to make it with plenty of time and ran trail through Tempe without a hitch. A couple Larryville sucks (well) chants erupted on the bus and the typical bus songs on the way back from trail to the hotel. And when the trail was over and back to the resort we were. The rally was on and back to the lazy river for a couple pre-dinner party laps. Post dinner was another Larryville patch whore tour throughout the hotel/hashpitality suites. You would think that being such patch whores the kennel would buy some happi coats. (hint hint) Popped in for a little dance session in the ballroom where we had Jewelry Boxxx sprain an ankle trying to do the running man to Nickelback. She got what she deserved for dancing to Nickelback. She was okay at the time and kept the party going though. Eventually mosied over to the karaoke hallway. At karaoke our very own Iced T decided to Mc the karaoke for a second before deciding it was time to go back to hashpitality and close out some of the patch challenges yet completed this weekend.
But really out of this whole event, it really did cover all the bases and ALL the fun was had. Thanks Phoenix from Larryville. Cocknocs, Jewelry Boxxx, Eight Men In My Boxxx, Missionary Impossible, Laps in Judgement, Iced Tiddies, Groin Rule Double, (HonorLarry) Hickory Dickory Cock, and uh “Stooly”. *PSA* No Larry lick patches were earned after this weekend after confirming that everyone came up one Larry short.
Groin Rule Double -Larryville H3
Hash Name: My Daughter Let Me Cum
Home Kennel: El Paso HHH and Border Jumpers
There I was… preparing to co-hair Trail 7 (El Paso, Texas) on Sunday with Beer Battered. After the RA blessed us, I jumped up, took about three steps on the level pavement, and then abruptly stumbled, tripped, and fell flat on my face! Of course it wasn’t my fault – – it was the RA’s fault! What kind of blessing was that that allowed me to nearly kill myself right from the get go?! However, there was one possible benefit to this traumatic experience: I certainly would get much sympathy and much love from the Harriettes! None was to be had – – all I got was derision and laughter!! I could tell by the looks on the faces of the wanks waiting to do the trail that they were quite impressed with my escapade. Obviously, they were thinking: “what kind of trail is this half-mind going to lay if he is falling flat on his face even before hitting the shiggy!” (Not to worry – – I got back at all of those wanks in the end. I locked them in a blazing hot, dark U-Haul truck for a 15 minute ride back to the hotel! Of course, being the half-mind that I am, I locked myself in there with them!) However, all was copacetic as far as the trail was concerned as Beer Battered came through and laid his usual good trail (he did all the work – – I was just along to keep him company). But before you begin singing the praises of Beer Battered, our Mr. InterAm 2017, consider this: Beer Battered, along with the RA, was also responsible for my mishap (of course it couldn’t be my fault; it’s always somebody else’s fault!). You see, Beer Battered was supposed to take care of the old man (me). He obviously failed. In fact, some say that Beer Battered pushed me. Some wanks say they heard Beer Battered snarl “this is my trail” and then backhand me and send me sprawling (ok,ok — I made that up. But It only has to be 10% true, right? Beer Battered was there — that’s 10%.). But back to Beer Battered’s failure… about a year ago when I had five or six hashes under my belt (I since have many runs under my belt, but I still seem to have a panch over my belt!) and had not yet been named, my daughter Michelle came out with me on her first trail. On several occasions Beer Battered attempted to engage my daughter in conversation and explain hashing to her. For example, he instructed my daughter that her name is “Just Michelle.” To which my daughter replied, in a rather snarky manner, “I know my name!” My daughter evidently was not impressed with hashing and proceeded to inform Beer Battered that she was only there to see what her father was up to, what he was doing, and if he was all right. At that point Beer Battered made a solemn pledge to my daughter that he would take care of the old man (why does everybody keep calling me an old man? I’m only 73!!). Beer Battered obviously fell down on the job (oh, wait a minute – – I was the one that fell down!). Well, I have a warning for Beer Battered: you may think you’re hot shit because you were voted Mr. InterAm 2017; but when my daughter gets finished with you, you’re going to be lower than whale shit!! Ah heck, I love you Beer Battered – – I won’t tell Michelle that you broke your pledge! (Incidentally, the last time I talked to Michelle she expressed interest in going out on another hash run. Go figure!) — My Daughter Let Me Cum (Gee, I wonder how I got that name?!)
Hash Name: Jugs Juicy
Home Kennel: Phoenix Hump D’Hash
So there I was, holy hell fire shit, minutes into funemployment, when I arrived at the hotel to find a sea of halfminds checking into the pretty little resort by Dreamy Draw. What have we done, Phoenicians? WHAT HAVE WE DONE?*
Like any good hasher, I was already late for my InterAm job. (Job? WTF? Why do I already have a job, minutes into funemployment??**) So I did I best – I wrangled the shit out of that Bazaar! It zigged, I zagged. It raged, I roared. It bucked, I fuc… ok I was “busy” for a few hours. Sorry, not sorry! Anyway, the haberdashers sold the shit out of their wares! It was hot, it was smelly, but it was packed and thriving the whole time. Kudos, haberdashers!
Salt River Saturday trail was shitty! Like literally, there was shit everywhere. But between the baby dicks, ALWAYS LEAVE CAMP, the alcoholic breast milk, the near drownings, dog hauling, Gay Socks’ RA magic, and Ivan No Pants the bus driver, I am 100% positive Salt River Saturday was the best fucking trail ever.
Watson Lake Sunday was a bit nipply! Who knew it got chilly in AZ?? We enjoyed playing on Watson’s ample boulders and dove into her fluids. Geese and ducks were lovingly caressed. Turns out we know exactly what’s best, boy!
Skits and songs and events happened in the evenings. Exact details are hazy because I was drinking only AZ’s finest free beer from our Hashpitality Suite since there was no free water.*** All I know is I somehow kept my happi coat, vessel, and necklace, so I’m calling the nights a win.
At the new job now, with practically no sleep and a giant smirk on my face. What a crazy, badass weekend.****
****Blame the rest of you
Hash Name: California Creamin’
Home Kennel: Phoenix Full Moon
A view from another of your mis-management team:
So there I was…about two years ago when a request came in from Donkey Dildo Delight for a video showing how much fun we have here in Phoenix during our RDRs for a bid for 2017 Interam. Who doesn’t like putting together a video with all of the body parts shown? Well, Phoenix must have sold our kennel well in Portland because the next thing I knew we had “won”.
Two years and a shit ton of meetings, discussions, arguments, non-sexual make up sessions, beers, booze, some water, resort walk-throughs, thousands and thousands of emails read/responded to/sent, FB posts both good and bad, lots of supportive emails, many questions that could have been answered had people read the FAQ on the website later and we were kicking off 2017 Interam here in Phoenix. We felt like we had all of the pieces of the puzzle even though some were not fitting exactly, but good enough.
Many mis-management members were at the hotel on Wednesday and the rest of us showed up Thursday to get everything set there for gimmes, coolers, beer, wine, water, cider, Uhauls, AV equipment, overhead projector, bazaar setup, signs, easels, medical supplies, flour, chalk, and so many other pieces to this weekend event.
Seeing hashers arrive from all corners of this planet and greeting each other after being apart for far too long was a real treat.
Thursday night we still had quite a few muggles at the resort and hashers didn’t seem to care too much about their need for quiet and kept the North Pointe hot tub area loud until early into the morning. By noonish the next day the muggles were gone and the rest of the hashers were streaming in, our room video was playing non-stop on room TVs and the booze was beginning to flow in full force.
Friday trail sign-up went off without many problems and I am so thankful for our months of back and forth on which was the best approach…and thanks to those who pushed Eventbrite, it worked well. Again, many problems came up from people not reading, being too drunk at 4pm on Friday, or the trails filling up rapidly. However; we sat in the hotel business center to help people sign up and we were done in mere minutes.
Friday night went pretty well and one of the many things I love about hashers is our ability to drink, have fun and not get into fights like muggles. As us mis-management team members wandered around throughout the night making sure we had enough beer, snacks, etc. in our hashpitality suites, tracking down non-registered people and getting them off property, handling little “fires” here and there and prepping for the coming day of bus loading I appreciated the minimal problems created by 2,000 drinking/etc. hashers.
Saturday morning came all over me entirely too early, but all volunteers quietly and hungover-ly assembled to begin their work of loading and getting the arriving coaches where they were supposed to go. The Hilton team really helped us out with some of the bus staging issues that were occurring. Things were a little hectic, but we expected it and attempted to roll with it. Some coaches were early, others late, but by only minutes so our latest bus out was under 30 minutes late which did impact their ability to have a decent circle. 🙁 A huge HONOR to “Out of Order” who kicked major ass running back and forth with his team of trusty beer/water/snack pallet people! That guy is a bit of a backslider here in Phoenix, but he made up for it this weekend.
A hush fell over the resort after the last bus left and we had a few hours to gather our thoughts, get an hour of sleep and then prep for the return of the hashers. Unloading the people, trash, extra liquids went relatively fast with another great group of volunteers and it was time to shove some food into our mouth holes, clean up and get to the Bids, skits and running for Ms/Mr Interam. Our Entertainment lead had her work cut out for her with this unruly bunch of getting drunk hashers needing some exceptionally hashy performances. Hashers did not disappoint! The bids were hilarious and even though the Hash Boat got pushed in front of Rumson at the last minute, they delivered a stellar performance…well, until Mr. Jackson got on stage to deliver an incredibly high tech presentation and in-depth description of why Rumson should be the only choice in Interam hosting possibilities.
Saturday night’s planning for Sunday kicked in after the Skits,etc. with mismanagement meeting to make sure all items were ready for the morning. We printed up all of the forms ready for busses and packing pallets. The party seemed to quiet down a little earlier on Saturday due to all of the hashers being worn out from the long day of hashing and drinking. It was a welcomed change after the two previous late nights of happy noise and our team running around making sure things were going smoothly in our hashpitality suites and around the resort.
Sunday came quickly (Sunday has no control) and we were loading the coaches again with tired hashers ready for another day on trail. A big thanks to Alley Cat for providing me with the sustenance I needed to wake up. We had fewer attendees heading out on trail, but still had a large group headed out and we were able to handle all of the busses without the Hilton team stepping in too much. Once again, after the hashers were out on trail it was time to try and have an hour of quiet and possible sleep. Repeat of Saturday with Hashers returning, eating and prepping for the end of Interam thank you and memorial video.
Sunday night we guessed that hashers would be tired and not up late…boy were we wrong! You all really pushed that last night and partied so hard that we had a few more folks visiting the ER/urgent care. Everyone seems to be okay now, but damn…you all can really do more damage off trail than you do on trail.
Monday finally arrived and we had our closing circle by the River Ranch. Tapped that last hotel keg during circle, accusations and honors flew about, songs were sung, down-downs were enjoyed. Swing Low happened and we all slowly made our way back to do some final tasks to make sure we were out of the hotel’s hair by whatever time we had agreed upon.
We had an incredible team of people step up to help with this event as mismanagement, committee leads, committee teams, and all those who helped with so many tasks throughout the weekend. Thank you all so much for doing your part during Interam!
If you still have hash trash you want to write, but were too busy masturbating, please email it to: firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line: 2017 Interam Hash Trash and I’ll eventually get it posted, because I need time to masturbate just like you!